Let’s set the scene. We’re in a courtroom in Southern Louisiana. A young man who made a grave error in judgment is sitting on the witness stand, getting ready to defend his grave error in judgment, to a judge.
Needless to say, he is excessively anxious, and the itchy new suit his momma bought him for this appearance is really uncomfortable. Nervous shifting from one side of the large, leather witness-stand chair to the other causes the chair to bump loudly against the microphone he’s using to answer the judge.
The cheap cloth of his itchy new suit screeches and squeals against the leather each time he moves, causing even more interference than the bumping of the microphone. The judge, who is trying his best to ascertain details of the young man’s story, finally has had enough. He stops the young man mid-sentence with, “Mr. Gautreaux, could you please refrain from all the bumps and squiggles and get on with your story?”
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the only time the phrase “bumps and squiggles” has ever been officially used in a Louisiana courtroom.
The End.
No, wait, that’s not the end. Hold up, there’s more.
The “bumps and squiggles” story is legendary in our family. It’s obviously funnier when our dear family friend, Mr. Gautreaux, tells it, but it’s one that has been re-told to gales of laughter time and again. I was reminded of it the other day, when I got this message, “Wendy, please do a story about how unsafe the automatic ‘safety’ devices on new trucks are to people who actually know how to drive defensively, and how distracting all the bells and whistles are.”
